(hiccup). it's raining mini-icicles right now in new york. true to form, i wore heels to work today so walking home from school ROCKED! literally. it is true, i am a genius. which may or may not account for why i find myself single (again) on this anti-wonderful, poorly conceived, vomit-worthy holiday. happy valentine's day to me! and in case i was searching for an answer to 'whyyyyy???? whyyyyy am i still single?!?!?!?!?!' i can stop searching, because Time Out New York (TONY) has solved that problem for me in their latest issue, aptly titled: Why You're Still Single (and what you can do about it). holy crap, you mean drinking a bottle of wine alone in my apartment is NOT the appropriate solution? eff me.
in an homage to a single gal's biggest fear (sorry Y, but at least you only have just one), the mag's cover features a chick toting her fat kitty. inside, there is a slew of (often realistic) reasons to why you (or me or Y or the rest of single America) may be having trouble finding that special someone or just that special someone right now. ha. this includes the typical (you're desperate; you're commitment-phobic; you just got your heart stomped on) to the friggin hilarious: you're ugly; you speak in catchphrases; you're a short/skinny guy; you only date musicians, or you're secretly gay. for each deficiency, they generously offer a set of tips to counter these misfortunes. for you're ugly,they suggest a restaurant where diners can eat while blindfolded. ha! for getting over your ex, they suggest an open-mike nite. and if spouting poetry is not your thing, you can always get sauced and pump up your ego with a one-night-stand in hoboken-- land of the Eternal Frat Boy. hee.
so this is the first time i've splurged ($2.99) on this annual lonely-hearts issue. last year, i at least had a date to look forward to just 2 days post-Vday; the year before my friend and I made Man-wiches (uh-huh), drank beer, and gabbed about how i should wrestle myself away (again) from a hard-to-forget ex. but this year, the year in which i get my Masters AND--gulp--turn the Big 3-0...i felt weirdly compelled to find a reason to balk this trend, take action, and resolve myself out of singledom! but alas, i'm too lazy to make an effort to flirt, shave my legs, or join some random sports league/dance class/cooking club as a means to meeting men, ahem...new friends. blah blah, screw love and bottoms up!
Showing posts with label love/heartbreak. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love/heartbreak. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 14
Sunday, April 2
Three Long Sighs...and then, Spring
The cold season doesn't fare well for cynical sentimentalists like me. I’m a warm weather girl who longs for longer days and only enjoys winter for its gifts of snow (because it’s so lovely) and its stretch of holidays (because even Scrooge couldn’t resist Christmas). But Spring is like a forgotten dream, especially for New Yorkers like me who’ve endured several years of zero transition time between a Winter’s bleak and a Summer’s humid.
Today though, today was Spring. It was one of those days that just demanded your attention-- shimmering with a warmth and brightness that was so magnetic, even flowers came out from winter hiding. Out for a walk, I felt as if I was trapped in someone else's moment, someone else's sketches of the Perfect Day, where the sky was that precise shade of blue--painted on without the blemish of a cloud. But me, I paid no mind to this rare moment, this treat from nature. Despite losing an hour, I still carved out time to be sad.
It wasn’t like I was sad about anything in particular. It was just about everything in general. Leave it to me to use a solitary Sunday as an excuse to soak in my own self-loathing. Pausing at one of my favorite local spots, this section of benches and greenery outside the Natural History Museum, I stood beneath the shadow of the Planetarium as the strains of Bob Dylan’s "You're A Big Girl Now" whispered in my ear :
when i was little, i believed in fairytales. i believed that happily ever after was truly the ending to all stories. and that things always worked out because I didn't know any better. years later, scarred by the realities that naturally comes with becoming adults, i've learned that Real Life is not so neat and tidy. We're all complicated packages with no simple solutions. And that while one part of our lives may be exceeding all expectations, another part may very well be falling to pieces.
my patch of sadness was one of those temporary moments of mismatched fortunes. on one hand, i'm successfully pursuing my goals, getting what I've hoped for in my professional life. but then i round a corner, and my heart is being broken by someone that was never suppose to matter in the first place. it's a trick of fate, a twist in the story. and it leaves me both bewildered and disturbed. is there a lesson i'm suppose to learn? will things ever balance out?
and before there are any answers offered up, a stream of sunlight cuts into my thoughts and suddenly i saw the world around me: rows of daffodils blooming from all corners, children squealing and chasing down birds, couples walking hand in hand. this was not someone else's day but a moment that was all my own. i took three long sighs, exhaling out my melancholy and taking in the beauty of my own imperfect situation. it was finally Spring. so i went and bought myself flowers.
Today though, today was Spring. It was one of those days that just demanded your attention-- shimmering with a warmth and brightness that was so magnetic, even flowers came out from winter hiding. Out for a walk, I felt as if I was trapped in someone else's moment, someone else's sketches of the Perfect Day, where the sky was that precise shade of blue--painted on without the blemish of a cloud. But me, I paid no mind to this rare moment, this treat from nature. Despite losing an hour, I still carved out time to be sad.
It wasn’t like I was sad about anything in particular. It was just about everything in general. Leave it to me to use a solitary Sunday as an excuse to soak in my own self-loathing. Pausing at one of my favorite local spots, this section of benches and greenery outside the Natural History Museum, I stood beneath the shadow of the Planetarium as the strains of Bob Dylan’s "You're A Big Girl Now" whispered in my ear :
A change in the weather is known to be extreme
But what's the
sense of changing horses in midstream?
I'm going out of my
mind, oh, oh,
With a pain that stops and starts
Like a
corkscrew to my heart
Ever since we've been apart.
when i was little, i believed in fairytales. i believed that happily ever after was truly the ending to all stories. and that things always worked out because I didn't know any better. years later, scarred by the realities that naturally comes with becoming adults, i've learned that Real Life is not so neat and tidy. We're all complicated packages with no simple solutions. And that while one part of our lives may be exceeding all expectations, another part may very well be falling to pieces.
my patch of sadness was one of those temporary moments of mismatched fortunes. on one hand, i'm successfully pursuing my goals, getting what I've hoped for in my professional life. but then i round a corner, and my heart is being broken by someone that was never suppose to matter in the first place. it's a trick of fate, a twist in the story. and it leaves me both bewildered and disturbed. is there a lesson i'm suppose to learn? will things ever balance out?
and before there are any answers offered up, a stream of sunlight cuts into my thoughts and suddenly i saw the world around me: rows of daffodils blooming from all corners, children squealing and chasing down birds, couples walking hand in hand. this was not someone else's day but a moment that was all my own. i took three long sighs, exhaling out my melancholy and taking in the beauty of my own imperfect situation. it was finally Spring. so i went and bought myself flowers.
Tuesday, March 14
Warning Labels
They appear on prescription drugs, shouldn’t people come with warning labels as well? Especially when it comes to dating, no one wants to be a cautionary tale--the fear of physical harm is enough to justify signs that scream in neon lights-- “Convicted Criminal Ahead!!!” or “Beware! This guy has Syphilis!!!” But isn’t it just as important to provide indicators for potential emotional damage? We'd all fare better in the dating game if we're given notices like the following: “Boring Person, May Cause Drowsiness” or “Player: This Man is Best Taken for Casual Flings Only.” Recently, I could have used one that read like this: “Emotional Baggage Ahead. Proceed with Extreme Caution. Screwing with your Mind WILL OCCUR.”
The advent of Google, Friendster, and Myspace makes information gathering on a potential suitor not just a mouse-click away, but almost a de facto requirement for the world-weary dater (some may call this stalking, but that’s neither here nor there). Despite all this, isn’t it still the unknown and the undiscovered that pushes even the most hardened cynic of us to continue to put ourselves out there and risk the chance of heartbreak? Doesn’t getting all the information up front ruin the whole “mystery” that makes dating both fun and frustrating?
Well, I’m beginning to wonder if mystery is over-rated. I’ve been in various states of single and not-so-singleness over the past seven years, and every time I think I’ve acquired enough dating experience to not repeat past mistakes, I always get proven wrong. It’s as if years of falling for the wrong guys or screwing over the nice ones have made me less able to trust my own instinct. And frankly, I’m tired. I’m exhausted from the romantic beat-downs, the reduced expectations, and the inevitable disappointments. So I’m asking for help, guidance from a higher source. One that will warn me on Day 1 if a guy is commitment-phobic or a potential cheater or will be bad in bed. And if the same is demanded in return, well then let me just lay it all out there: Warning! I’m loud and have an obnoxious laugh and I’m relentlessly cynical and can’t go an hour without sarcasm. I’m scared of settling and getting hurt and being alone but I am willing to give anyone a try as long he’s honest. There. That’s MY warning. Pursue at your own risk.
The advent of Google, Friendster, and Myspace makes information gathering on a potential suitor not just a mouse-click away, but almost a de facto requirement for the world-weary dater (some may call this stalking, but that’s neither here nor there). Despite all this, isn’t it still the unknown and the undiscovered that pushes even the most hardened cynic of us to continue to put ourselves out there and risk the chance of heartbreak? Doesn’t getting all the information up front ruin the whole “mystery” that makes dating both fun and frustrating?
Well, I’m beginning to wonder if mystery is over-rated. I’ve been in various states of single and not-so-singleness over the past seven years, and every time I think I’ve acquired enough dating experience to not repeat past mistakes, I always get proven wrong. It’s as if years of falling for the wrong guys or screwing over the nice ones have made me less able to trust my own instinct. And frankly, I’m tired. I’m exhausted from the romantic beat-downs, the reduced expectations, and the inevitable disappointments. So I’m asking for help, guidance from a higher source. One that will warn me on Day 1 if a guy is commitment-phobic or a potential cheater or will be bad in bed. And if the same is demanded in return, well then let me just lay it all out there: Warning! I’m loud and have an obnoxious laugh and I’m relentlessly cynical and can’t go an hour without sarcasm. I’m scared of settling and getting hurt and being alone but I am willing to give anyone a try as long he’s honest. There. That’s MY warning. Pursue at your own risk.
Thursday, December 8
Breakups, Breakdowns
though i may not have a legitimate boyfriend, i can still remember the heartache of past breakups and anticipate the potential pain of future ones. yes, i'm a cynic. but can you blame me, its the friggin holidays?
last year, i was dating this guy for about four months and still remember very clearly that moment when we broke up. we had a very mature conversation, hugged goodbye, and i calmly exited his place before he could glimpse any tears filling my eyes. as soon as i caught a cab, i sobbed for 5 minutes straight, expunging all the frustration that comes with ending a romance. when the crying finally stopped, i took a breath, called my friend Holly and was over it. there should be songs for moments like that. and there ARE songs. there should also be songs that characterize the more wrenching affairs that leave permanent marks on our hearts. what do those sound like? sad? maybe. bitter? possibly yes.
so i'm trying to compile a list of great Break Up Songs. they could be about breaking up, moving on, longing for past love, the anger at those that broke your heart, or the memory of that Last Night together...
on my current Breakup/Breakdown playlist:
1. "By the Bed," Phantom Planet
2. "Gone for Good," The Shins
3. "Burn," Usher
4."Tiny Vessels," Death Cab for Cutie
5. "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart," Al Green
6. "Screaming Infidelities," Dashboard Confessional
7. "Your Ex-Lover is Dead," Stars
8. "When the Heartache is Over," Tina Turner
9. "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson
10. "Linger," The Cranberries
11. "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You," Colin Hay
12. "Fling," Built to Spill
13. "One More Night (You're Ex-Lover is Still Dead)," Stars
14. "Harder Now That It's Over," Ryan Adams
15. "Once You Loved Somebody," Dixie Chicks
what's on your list?
last year, i was dating this guy for about four months and still remember very clearly that moment when we broke up. we had a very mature conversation, hugged goodbye, and i calmly exited his place before he could glimpse any tears filling my eyes. as soon as i caught a cab, i sobbed for 5 minutes straight, expunging all the frustration that comes with ending a romance. when the crying finally stopped, i took a breath, called my friend Holly and was over it. there should be songs for moments like that. and there ARE songs. there should also be songs that characterize the more wrenching affairs that leave permanent marks on our hearts. what do those sound like? sad? maybe. bitter? possibly yes.
so i'm trying to compile a list of great Break Up Songs. they could be about breaking up, moving on, longing for past love, the anger at those that broke your heart, or the memory of that Last Night together...
on my current Breakup/Breakdown playlist:
1. "By the Bed," Phantom Planet
2. "Gone for Good," The Shins
3. "Burn," Usher
4."Tiny Vessels," Death Cab for Cutie
5. "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart," Al Green
6. "Screaming Infidelities," Dashboard Confessional
7. "Your Ex-Lover is Dead," Stars
8. "When the Heartache is Over," Tina Turner
9. "Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson
10. "Linger," The Cranberries
11. "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You," Colin Hay
12. "Fling," Built to Spill
13. "One More Night (You're Ex-Lover is Still Dead)," Stars
14. "Harder Now That It's Over," Ryan Adams
15. "Once You Loved Somebody," Dixie Chicks
what's on your list?
Tuesday, June 21
Ex and the City
in a city of over a bajillion people, what are the odds of running into your ex? 100,000 to 1? 10,000 to 1? i beg any statisticians out there to build a model and tell me. because i really want some mathematical understanding of this. new york city is one of the biggest cities in the world, and i have an embarrassingly small sample size of men i've dated (fyi, i'm using "dated" loosely, as in gone out with on >3 dates) which equates to a whopping total of 4, two of which can be termed "exes"(again, defined loosely as someone i dated for > 3 months). see? tragically small. really, a meager pool of men to Not Run Into. Again.
forget the math, just look at the logic-- 2 out of a bajillion! it is just unrealistic to expect that you'll see, much less run into an ex again. unless of course, you work with your ex. in which case, i'm sorry, but that sucks. my advice: get a new job. and it doesn't count if you're stalking your ex either. because if you're unprepared to see him then you're just a dumb-ass any way. duh, you're going to SEE the guy, that's the point of stalking! so don't get upset if the prick is making out with another girl already. you created the drama, baby.
i didn't actually run into The Ex, but i saw him randomly. the scene played out like this: picnicking with friends at one of those "quintessential" nyc outdoor events, i looked around me, scanning the crowd...and there he was. these were my thoughts, in quick succession:
1) oh look, i use to date him
and then, i had to look away because God Forbid he sees me. because then what? what happens? if we make eye contact, we'll have to talk, right? do we make idle chit chat and pretend we've never slept together? puh-leez. that's just too prosaic. what's the other option? IGNORE the fact that we both saw each other, that's just more awkward. and just because you don't care about the person anymore, you still care about what they think of you and how they see you. admit it. we all want to look our best if we run into an ex. so i just faced the opposite direction and prayed he'd sit down already and not notice me in the not-so-far distance.
some of you may think i'm a coward...or maybe you think i'm foolish. it really doesn't matter. cuz for me, after i break up with someone (and contrary to popular belief, THIS guy and i had a civilized and mature break up) , i really have no desire to see that person again. we're done with each other and we can't be friends because we weren't in the first place. is it wrong to think this way? who knows. i just want someone to answer me this: what are the odds of this happening again? cuz next time, i'm gonna look HOT. or at least try my damn best to. :)
forget the math, just look at the logic-- 2 out of a bajillion! it is just unrealistic to expect that you'll see, much less run into an ex again. unless of course, you work with your ex. in which case, i'm sorry, but that sucks. my advice: get a new job. and it doesn't count if you're stalking your ex either. because if you're unprepared to see him then you're just a dumb-ass any way. duh, you're going to SEE the guy, that's the point of stalking! so don't get upset if the prick is making out with another girl already. you created the drama, baby.
the point is, you're never totally prepared. and even if you harbor zero i-miss-him feelings and possess no ill will towards him (who are we kidding, there's always a little ill-will, that bastard!)-- the first time you see him again, your EX, you can't help but be jostled by it. even just a little. and that's what it was like for me. in a rush of 10 long minutes i was brought back into those moments of when we were together (last summer) and reminded of all those mistakes (sticking it out too long) i vowed never to make again.
i didn't actually run into The Ex, but i saw him randomly. the scene played out like this: picnicking with friends at one of those "quintessential" nyc outdoor events, i looked around me, scanning the crowd...and there he was. these were my thoughts, in quick succession:
1) oh look, i use to date him
2) he looks the same
3) hm...is he here with a girl? is she asian? i wonder if she's pretty and/or skinny
and then, i had to look away because God Forbid he sees me. because then what? what happens? if we make eye contact, we'll have to talk, right? do we make idle chit chat and pretend we've never slept together? puh-leez. that's just too prosaic. what's the other option? IGNORE the fact that we both saw each other, that's just more awkward. and just because you don't care about the person anymore, you still care about what they think of you and how they see you. admit it. we all want to look our best if we run into an ex. so i just faced the opposite direction and prayed he'd sit down already and not notice me in the not-so-far distance.
some of you may think i'm a coward...or maybe you think i'm foolish. it really doesn't matter. cuz for me, after i break up with someone (and contrary to popular belief, THIS guy and i had a civilized and mature break up) , i really have no desire to see that person again. we're done with each other and we can't be friends because we weren't in the first place. is it wrong to think this way? who knows. i just want someone to answer me this: what are the odds of this happening again? cuz next time, i'm gonna look HOT. or at least try my damn best to. :)
Sunday, June 12
suffering from LMA disorder
at what point do you start to lose a sense of all your standards? and i'm not talking ethical standards (although a factor, perhaps) but your standards for the opposite sex (or the same sex, whichever is your preference, this is an Equal Opportunity blog). for me, i think its the point where any attention-- whether it be from a UPS truck driver or the homeless man on the subway-- is more ego-boosting than no attention at all.
yes my friends, i have LMA disorder. and i need help. LMA = Low Male Attention. a condition that affects any chick (or gay man) who hasn't gotten any play in at least six months. you may have it too, you just don't know it yet. and for those of you trying to deal with this in a reasonable way, i want to say-- i understand you sista, i do. just last week, i returned the cat-call of an oily construction worker-- i even thanked him for noticing. when did it get this bad? will i flirt with just anyone? yes, yes i will. i'm not sure what the cure for LMA may be, but i'm thinking great sex with a hot man (let's say, hugh jackman or brad pitt) would suffice. any suggestions on what else i could do? i'm mere seconds away from giving the coffee guy my number...he likes the way i dig change out of my wallet. okay, that didn't come out right. save me from myself!!!
yes my friends, i have LMA disorder. and i need help. LMA = Low Male Attention. a condition that affects any chick (or gay man) who hasn't gotten any play in at least six months. you may have it too, you just don't know it yet. and for those of you trying to deal with this in a reasonable way, i want to say-- i understand you sista, i do. just last week, i returned the cat-call of an oily construction worker-- i even thanked him for noticing. when did it get this bad? will i flirt with just anyone? yes, yes i will. i'm not sure what the cure for LMA may be, but i'm thinking great sex with a hot man (let's say, hugh jackman or brad pitt) would suffice. any suggestions on what else i could do? i'm mere seconds away from giving the coffee guy my number...he likes the way i dig change out of my wallet. okay, that didn't come out right. save me from myself!!!
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